"...you were feeling your thong?"

"You sang like a ventriliquist dummy."

"You sang like you were in a dentist's chair."

"You sang like someone who sings on a cruiseship...halfway through I imagined the ship sinking."

"We brought some people back to shine...you didn't. Sorry."

"You had about as much passion as a kitten mewing."

"You have just invented a new form of torture."

"Don't take this the wrong way, but I prefer you when I close my eyes."

"This is a pen not a magic wand."

"If you had lived 2,000 years ago and sung like that, I think they would have stoned you."

"There's only so much punishment a human can take. I can't take anymore."

An awful guy auditioning was singing "American Pie," and finished up with "The day...the muuuuu-sic died..." And Simon said, "It just did."

"That was extraordinary! Unfortunately, it was extraordinary bad."

"I think you invented notes never ever heard before in music."

-Do you want to hear the chorus?
"No, I couldn't hear anymore."

-Well it's my first audition.
"I'm not surprised, and it should be your last."

"If you were to win and sing a song, you would kill the American record industry. That's how bad you are."

"You're one of the worst singers I've ever heard in my life."

"I'm going to reach out with a hook if you don't shut up."

"That wasn't dreadful and it wasn't horrible. It was absolutely ghastly."

"Phone up your vocal coach and demand a refund."

"Ryan an ooopma-looopa called and wants its complextion back."

"When you stopped singing, that was the best part."

"Your so terrible, your not even good enough for BULGARIAN Idol! "

Singer: *singing* No more pain...No more paaain...
Simon: My thoughts exactly.

"You wouldn't be able to make an album; there'd only be one song on it." (to the girl singing "Unchained Melody")

"There's a line in that song that sums up your whole audition, and that's, 'When I'm bad, I'm so bad.'"

Simon: "I've heard better people singing outside the subway."

Nathanial: "Well, that's fine, but I worked really hard, and--"
Simon: "So do they!"
Nathanial: "Well, that's fine, but did they stand out in the cold and--"
Simon: "They're standing outside the subway. So yes."

Juanita: "...and why wasn't it good?"
Simon: *looks seriously over at Juanita*"...cause you sang it..."

Would Norah Jones make the top 10?
Simon: "No. She's just so miserable, I mean if you want to have a great time you don't put on your Norah Jones CD..."

What about Jennifer Lopez?
Simon: "Well if this was called 'Attitude Idol,' she would definitely make the Top 10."

''Jenny, that was extraordinary. Unfortunately, extraordinarily bad.'' --to an off-key blonde in the first round

''It was an ambitious song for you to sing, because I don't think you're that kind of singer. I don't think you're that good.'' --to semifinalist Tenia Taylor, who tried to do her best Whitney Houston

''From one to ten, what would you give yourself? I'd give you a one. My advice would be if you want to pursue a career in the music business, don't.'' --to an early auditioner who thought she'd done a great job

''I don't believe Cassandra has a singing talent. She's completely wasting her money. A complete waste of money. If you want to achieve what you want to achieve, you will not do it with your voice. Sorry.'' --to a first-round hopeful after Paula Abdul encouraged her to pursue singing

''I can honestly say you are the worst singer in America.'' --to the skinny white boy who didn't hit one note right

''Can I tell you what I thought, Rose? Your audition was horrendous with a capital 'H'. What angers me is that people like yourself who have the most attitude have the least talent.'' --to the Alicia Keys wannabe who fumbled through ''Fallin'''

''I think you're a boring performer. The laugh was hideous. I think you've blown it.'' --to the weepy A.J. Gil, who went on to become a finalist

''When you entered this competition, did you really believe that you could become an American Idol? [Contestant nods affirmatively.] Well, then, you're deaf. Thank you. Goodbye.'' --to a Seattle hopeful who missed every note

''Are you taking singing lessons? Who's your teacher? Do you have a lawyer? Get a lawyer and sue her.'' --to the blonde in the supershort shorts who sang a window-shattering version of ''Lady Marmalade''

''If you win this competition, we will have failed.'' --to Jim Verraros, before he advanced to the semifinal round

"I actually don't understand a word Paula's saying anymore. It's like a new language."